what is love?

When I was 16, I always tell myself that I'm going to find someone who will complete me. I was influenced by a huge amount of fictional stories I read and they made me believe that the world owes me a great love story too. Now that I'm almost 20 I wonder if is it really possible for someone to complete us? Will someone fill that void that has been slowly eating me for as long as I can remember? or maybe I should just find someone I can half-way tolerate and just stick with them? 

I met a lot of people in the past years and non of them made me feel like what I wanted to feel. What's crazier is that I don't have the slightest idea what I want to feel and what I should feel. Do I have the wrong idea of love or maybe I'm just a person who don't know and will never know what love feels like? 

Whats is love though? 

Is love when someone checks up on you every time if you ate your meal? left for wherever you're supposed to go or when you arrived home safely? Cause I think that's something your parents already do and I'm not talking about that kind of love. Is love supposed to feel like a routine where you have to update the other person on everything you do on a daily basis? Which in my case not that interesting. 

Or is it when you have a genuine connection with someone where you can talk about everything and even sometimes having conflicting ideas you still accept one another and find a common ground just to show how much you love each other? When you help each other grow and become a better versions of yourselves every day. When you find beauty in them even on days they feel like they don't deserved to be looked at. When you fell in love not with just the superficial things but with their soul. 

I have so many questions and I hope one day someone can give me the answers.

Compromise

I started reading books about love when I was 14 and that's when I started to develop this so called fantasy that one day I'll be able to find someone that can make me feel like how those characters did. That made think that the world owes me a wonderful love story as well. I've been looking for my soul mate ever since, but as I grew older I start to think that maybe not all of us will be given a great love story and that we might never be able to find that one girl or boy that will make us feel like we are in a Nicholas Sparks novel. Maybe our ideas will forever just stay as ideas and that the little check list for our perfect pair won't ever be filled, because no real life person will ever be fit and that you push away every boy who gives you the attention you wanted the sooner you realize they're not like the prince charming in your perfect world of fiction. It has been impossible finding a soul that speaks mine, but do I have to compromise the things I look for someone that will surely make me happy just for sliver of hope that by settling with someone can somehow take away some of the loneliness that's been eating me, and that someday might give me the euphoria I've always wanted?

--or never

Last night I dreamed about you again and you were beautiful. It has been eight years since I last felt you close, held your face, got lost in your eyes, traced your smile and tasted your lips. The memories of the past comes back like an old friend that I know too well, but at the same time a stranger of the present. I was suddenly drowned in a sea of questions. Confused, I questioned myself for the nth time. "What went wrong?" and for a moment I cried realizing that I was that "wrong" that went. And my dream was the opposite of wrong, it was perfect, and it was beautiful. Eight long years and I'm still waiting-- hoping that one day even for just a second you'll see me in your dream and remember your love for me way back when. I don't know how long it would take. It'd be eight years? eighteen? eighty? now? or never, but all I know is that you will be always, truly, completely loved by me.

a story about being sore//

I still remember the day we met in December,
When it was cold and every waiting moment felt like forever.
I still remember when I was lost,
And you promised to find me at all cost.
I still remember when we got into your room,
When you undressed me,
Kissed me,
And when you said that your first time was me,
I thought a beautiful love story is starting to bloom.
But when summer came,
The love that I hoped for,
Became the love that never soar,
And my heart was left forever sore.

-lansilog 2017

//post 10/9/16

I saw the universe in you.

You made me feel like a star.

Little did I know.

I was a falling star.

A star that had died a million years ago.

A star that is now falling 71 kmps.

Waiting for someone to believe I could grant their wish.

And there you are.

You wished for something beautiful .

Something the universe never had before.

The star that heard your wish was me.

That dead star.

I'm sorry if I gave you a disappointment.

I wasn't perfect .

I wasn't beautiful .

I'm just me.

Dead.

broken memories

Time will come when I don't have to tremble at the mention of your name.
When I don't have to feel like shit every time I remember your existence.
When I stopped thinking about you every time my mind wanders through the depths of broken memories.
To stop being reminded of you from every little things that we used to do together.
I'm longing for that time when you won't be the person in mind when someone asks about love,
Love I never had.
Because you are a constant reminder of how naive I was.
I wish there will come a time when someone will mend the broken pieces of my soul that once was whole,
A soul you once admired.
Time will come when someone will treat me tons better than you ever did.
Someone who can look at me and never doubt to tell me that I matter and that I am loved.
Someone who thinks I'm perfect as much as I think I am(lol).
Someone who gets excited for me even when I dress like a homeless or just hipster.
Someone who has me as the starring role in that thing inside of most humans chest.
Someone who will stay,
And never leave like you did.

-lance

Oops//

There are moments in life where your whole consciousness just decides to get out of your body, and left you hanging doing stupid decisions. Well not that stupid, but still stupid enough to be called an idiot. Like that moment when a boy kissed you in your room, and not just a normal kiss, it was that kiss that includes tongue which is pretty nasty if you actually think about it, but as soon as you experience it yourself...is still quite nasty. You start acting like you were disgusted, but you actually liked it, and he asked you why you kissed back and you told him you don't know, and then 7 seconds later you realized that you were both guys and what happened was really awkward, and he told you how sorry he was and he told you that he'll never do it again. He lied and kissed you again, but this time it's less awkward than before and you were surprisingly pretty good at it. How did you know that you were good? he said so, and you believed him anyways. You both decided to take a little break and just lay beside each other doing nothing when suddenly your dad surprisingly opened the door and you both panicked, and just jumped and sit and pretend like nothing just happened, and your dad asked if you want something to eat, and you said no. You both laugh, and then he kissed you again. You asked "Why did you kissed me, and what are we?" He told you that he was really attracted to you, and that you were friends. You got confuse, because friends don't do stuff like that. You made him listen to that Ed Sheeran song, and the poor song just got ignored, cause he just kissed you again, and this time you were pushed against the wall, and you almost died because you were unable to breath. It was intense. Days passed and you two talked a lot, and act like you two are together,because he is being sweet and caring and shit like that,and nobody cared about you like that before, nobody made you felt that way before, all of it was new to you, and you think you'll go crazy if you'll keep it on your own. So you told your friend about it, and she asked you "What if you'll fall for him?", so you asked him and he told you that he couldn't promise that he'll be there to catch you, but nothing will change because you will still be friends and he cares about you. A few more days passed and you're starting to feel something, and you told him. He said he's sorry if he couldn't give back the love that you gave to him, but you're not in love yet, he's just assuming things hahaha. But you're feelings are really stupid and you are now 17.6 % in like with him, and that was so stupid of you. You believed in something you thought was a real thing, but guess he was just messing around. You were just too naive. It was not like the movies. Now he stopped talking to you. You can't hate him, you can never hate him. You though this time you will be able to experience love, you thought this could be the fairy tale that you always dreamed about, you thought he was the one you've been waiting for, you thought he could be the harry styles of your life. You thought. You were wrong all along. Did I mentioned that he was your first kiss too? Oops.

(written after all feelings have been destroyed)

Dear Future Me

                                                                                                                                          05/6/15

Dear Lance,

   I know that you are the most awkward person ever and people often misunderstood you for being a snob because of that when in fact you are just too shy to socialize with other humans.

   I hope you are not as awkward as you are today. I hope you'll be like those other people who can make friends with anyone instantly.

   I know you care too much about how you look, not because you are a really self-centered person but because most people judge you base on your physical appearance and you know that because you used to be one of those judgmental twats, but you changed because it's the right thing to do.

   I hope you now have a really good self-esteem and have already learn how to love yourself for who you are because right now, that's just the hardest thing to do.

   I know you've made a lot of wrong choices in life before and you still can't forgive yourself for doing those crap. But please learn how to forgive yourself cause I am having a hard time to do it.

   You often get rude and disrespectful things in the internet sent by coward people whom like to call themselves "ANONYMOUS". Don't listen to them they are just a big ball of insecurities and we'll talk about them on my next blog post.

   I hope you reached your dreams or life goals as everyone call it these days. Like a million youtube subs. Meet Louis,Katy,Joey,Zoe and many more. And react to a video or anything in finebros and be in a Buzzfeed video cause that would be really cool! And I'm guessing that you already bleached your hair until it's like Jack Frost's hair like you always wanted it to be and also I hope you get a follow from 4/4 cause right now you don't give a fuck about Zayn.

   I hope that you are now the person you always wanted to be. And lastly don't forget to be happy and always remember to smile even if you look like a creepy Russian pedophile when you do it.

-LNC 2015

Be Confident

   Sometimes we feel bad about ourselves ( actually always ). We think we are awful or the whole world is judging us. We often thought that all eyes are on us watching every move we make that might be wrong for them. Which leads us to being conscious and eventually lowers our self-esteem.

   What I'm about to tell you is just a short advice on how to overcome insecurities and self-esteem issues.

   The most common issue in our age is pretty much acne. Well let me tell you! You don't have to worry about it because SLAY! That is totally normal and everyone has it. So the next time you feel bad about your big,red,shining,shimmering,splendid pimple. Just always remember that that there are other people who experience worst things than you do, and that you are lucky. And instead of feeling awful because of them, you might want to feel special because of them, for that's one of the many things that makes you beautiful and unique.

   And lastly, the one and only thing that could make you feel confident and wonderful about yourself is by accepting all of your flaws and imperfections. Embrace it like there's no later and believe me you would definitely feel better and no one can make you feel bad about yourself anymore.

-LanceGeronaga

Storymaker

Shit is when people make up stories about others. Like what in the bloody hell is wrong with you!? Making up stories about others is just so stupid because it brings no good. It just makes the victim DEPRESSED and makes them feel CONSCIOUS about everything they do. Because every single move he makes which has entirely no meaning, those BITCHES would always find a way to make up stories about that. Because those ASSHOLES doesn't have a life!, Oh wrong! they do have a life its ruining other people's life.

AND WHOEVER YOU ARE! YOU ARE A HUGE MIDDLE FINGER!

\\i cant stand these things going on anymore.\\

CUTS

Hearing other people talking shit about me is nothing;
But the idea of hearing it from someone I call a friend, is just the most hurtful feeling.
I don't care if other people won't stop throwing bunch of stupid questions.
All I need is just you believing me for what I said.
But things never worked the way I wanted to.
The person whom I trusted is the person who doubted me more than anyone.
I want to cut myself real hard;
But I couldn't.
I am luckily friends with the most judgmental people you could ask for.

-Lance

Him

On a rainy night, Her felt cold and lonely; She relieves herself from sadness by looking at Him's picture. She started touching herself imagining that he is the one touching her. She started moaning and crying at the same time. She heared a knock at her door and it slowly opened. She was so happy to see the man entering the room. Green eyes and pale skin,It was probably Him with a grin on his face. He throws himself into her and started touching her "Dirty Pillows" and again she moaned in both pain and pleasure . She then rides Him and started moving her hips up and down until both of them reaches their phenomenal orga*m. She kissed him hardly and they where now exploring each other's mouth, when someone called Her's phone, it was HIM calling.

Freakin Essay

  Every start of the schoolyear, There is this famous lines of our teachers "Get 1 whole sheet of paper and write an essay about your summer vacation" Like what the freakin hell!? What's this thing even for?! And what do you even care about my boring vacation. All summer I play games, watch movies, anime and porn. LOL! I was just kidding about the last one. What's so stupid about my vacation is that nothing changes everyday the cycle is still exactly what it is. I wake up, take a bath, eat, Check my facebook, twitter and sit all day In my couch watching youtube videos of the most awesome people on the internet. Im a nerd and proud about it.! I rarely go out of my house because I dont like people in our neighborhood. They're just so "NO GOOD" for me, I dont like them. Because they are those types of people whou would talk SHIT behind my back and I want to kill them for that. And the second reason why I rarely go outside and feel the sun is because of the sun itself! Its hurting my skin and it produces sweat that makes disgusting smell and nobody likes that. And lastly, The main reasons why I dont go out is because Wifi is only limited inside my house and when I go out, I couldnt see my bestfriends on youtube that may sounds weird because they dont even know me but i consider them as my life, Which is weird and Im weird, so lets be weird together. What Im saying Is we dont need to use another piece of paper every year just to write the same essay again just kidding! The real reason is Im just too lazy to write! LOL!

-LanceJaiBlog

Fapping Is Healthy

 So lately I've been so into Youtube things and stop opening my Facebook for a while, So I have decided to check my Facebook, And the first post that i saw is quite random. It says that May is national masturbation month and my first reaction was to laugh out loud and I decided to blog about it. And here it is,

 Wanking, jerking, and fapping are some nickname given to the word "Masturbation/Masturbating" which is the sexual act involving self sexual stimulation of the genitals for sexual arousal or other sexual pleasure, Usually to the point of orgasm. Okay!!! enough with the definition. We all know that masturbation is one of the basic human nature in all gender male or female, NO EXCEPTIONS which they do when they are alone or bored I guess but its mostly when they're horny. Whaty im saying Is that its normal for everyone to fap,

 Religious groups are saying that such activity is a sin in the eyes of "GOD". But science have their own explanations,  I have read a post last time on Facebook also, that says you must atleast masturbate five times a week to be healthy which gives me a bunch of confusions. Should i fap or not? Just kidding XD. But if you want to be healthy, I suggest that you should Fap five times a week.

 And I can say that everyone is healthy including me XD LOL!!!.

By the way! Happy Masturbation Month for everyone out there! CELEBRATE WELL. ^^
FAPPING IS HEALTHY

-Lancejaiblog

Im A Principal

Sometimes I imagine about what would happen to our school If I become the principal, And I think It would be really awesome and I would do anything in my power to make the students happy and comfortable with themselves.

And first of all I would change about the hair system. I would allow any hair styles and colors to all the students because that would be the most awesome thing that would ever happen in the history of our school. Next would be the school hours, I would change the first period time from eight AM to ten AM because science says that the brain fully functions at that time and so that there will be less late students, And lastly No signing of Clearance that would ever gonna happen every freakin year because I think that it is useless and it only brings a severe stress to the students.

But all of this is just my imagination, so lets just accept the fact this would never going to happen. And that Im just messing with you XD

STUPID SCHOOL RULES

Going back to school after a summer vacation is I think one of the most exciting thing. Clearly because you get to have your allowance back and you also get to meet your friends again, Tell stories with each other about your boring summer vacation and about your favorite youtubers.

But every school year starts with something called enrollment which is the first step for you to be called a student. And that part of the school year is the most hated part!. 

So freakin long process to get enrolled ! And for me as a boy I freakin need to cut my hair first beacause that is the policy of our freakin school. The rule said that a proper haircut is a must. And seriously i cut my hair 3 times in a row and i get frustated because of the very short result, i think it was shortest hair cut i ever come up with and it is so freakin ugly. And i thought that this short is enough for me enroll myself. But wrong was I and everyone else because my shortest hair in the history is still longer looking for them. And because of that, I have to cut it again and for god's sake! I think im almost bald.

I dont understand the school for having this kind of school rule. I really think that its stupid and there will be no good result instead of students getting frustrated because of their ugly looking hair. Like what the f*ck! Who wants a really short hair that doesnt flip when you want to flip it!? 

All iwanted to say is that Im really frustrated right now that my hair looks like hell and our SCHOOL RULES is so FREAKIN STUPID!