--or never

Last night I dreamed about you again and you were beautiful. It has been eight years since I last felt you close, held your face, got lost in your eyes, traced your smile and tasted your lips. The memories of the past comes back like an old friend that I know too well, but at the same time a stranger of the present. I was suddenly drowned in a sea of questions. Confused, I questioned myself for the nth time. "What went wrong?" and for a moment I cried realizing that I was that "wrong" that went. And my dream was the opposite of wrong, it was perfect, and it was beautiful. Eight long years and I'm still waiting-- hoping that one day even for just a second you'll see me in your dream and remember your love for me way back when. I don't know how long it would take. It'd be eight years? eighteen? eighty? now? or never, but all I know is that you will be always, truly, completely loved by me.

a story about being sore//

I still remember the day we met in December,
When it was cold and every waiting moment felt like forever.
I still remember when I was lost,
And you promised to find me at all cost.
I still remember when we got into your room,
When you undressed me,
Kissed me,
And when you said that your first time was me,
I thought a beautiful love story is starting to bloom.
But when summer came,
The love that I hoped for,
Became the love that never soar,
And my heart was left forever sore.

-lansilog 2017

//post 10/9/16

I saw the universe in you.

You made me feel like a star.

Little did I know.

I was a falling star.

A star that had died a million years ago.

A star that is now falling 71 kmps.

Waiting for someone to believe I could grant their wish.

And there you are.

You wished for something beautiful .

Something the universe never had before.

The star that heard your wish was me.

That dead star.

I'm sorry if I gave you a disappointment.

I wasn't perfect .

I wasn't beautiful .

I'm just me.

Dead.

broken memories

Time will come when I don't have to tremble at the mention of your name.
When I don't have to feel like shit every time I remember your existence.
When I stopped thinking about you every time my mind wanders through the depths of broken memories.
To stop being reminded of you from every little things that we used to do together.
I'm longing for that time when you won't be the person in mind when someone asks about love,
Love I never had.
Because you are a constant reminder of how naive I was.
I wish there will come a time when someone will mend the broken pieces of my soul that once was whole,
A soul you once admired.
Time will come when someone will treat me tons better than you ever did.
Someone who can look at me and never doubt to tell me that I matter and that I am loved.
Someone who thinks I'm perfect as much as I think I am(lol).
Someone who gets excited for me even when I dress like a homeless or just hipster.
Someone who has me as the starring role in that thing inside of most humans chest.
Someone who will stay,
And never leave like you did.

-lance

Oops//

There are moments in life where your whole consciousness just decides to get out of your body, and left you hanging doing stupid decisions. Well not that stupid, but still stupid enough to be called an idiot. Like that moment when a boy kissed you in your room, and not just a normal kiss, it was that kiss that includes tongue which is pretty nasty if you actually think about it, but as soon as you experience it yourself...is still quite nasty. You start acting like you were disgusted, but you actually liked it, and he asked you why you kissed back and you told him you don't know, and then 7 seconds later you realized that you were both guys and what happened was really awkward, and he told you how sorry he was and he told you that he'll never do it again. He lied and kissed you again, but this time it's less awkward than before and you were surprisingly pretty good at it. How did you know that you were good? he said so, and you believed him anyways. You both decided to take a little break and just lay beside each other doing nothing when suddenly your dad surprisingly opened the door and you both panicked, and just jumped and sit and pretend like nothing just happened, and your dad asked if you want something to eat, and you said no. You both laugh, and then he kissed you again. You asked "Why did you kissed me, and what are we?" He told you that he was really attracted to you, and that you were friends. You got confuse, because friends don't do stuff like that. You made him listen to that Ed Sheeran song, and the poor song just got ignored, cause he just kissed you again, and this time you were pushed against the wall, and you almost died because you were unable to breath. It was intense. Days passed and you two talked a lot, and act like you two are together,because he is being sweet and caring and shit like that,and nobody cared about you like that before, nobody made you felt that way before, all of it was new to you, and you think you'll go crazy if you'll keep it on your own. So you told your friend about it, and she asked you "What if you'll fall for him?", so you asked him and he told you that he couldn't promise that he'll be there to catch you, but nothing will change because you will still be friends and he cares about you. A few more days passed and you're starting to feel something, and you told him. He said he's sorry if he couldn't give back the love that you gave to him, but you're not in love yet, he's just assuming things hahaha. But you're feelings are really stupid and you are now 17.6 % in like with him, and that was so stupid of you. You believed in something you thought was a real thing, but guess he was just messing around. You were just too naive. It was not like the movies. Now he stopped talking to you. You can't hate him, you can never hate him. You though this time you will be able to experience love, you thought this could be the fairy tale that you always dreamed about, you thought he was the one you've been waiting for, you thought he could be the harry styles of your life. You thought. You were wrong all along. Did I mentioned that he was your first kiss too? Oops.

(written after all feelings have been destroyed)

Dear Future Me

                                                                                                                                          05/6/15

Dear Lance,

   I know that you are the most awkward person ever and people often misunderstood you for being a snob because of that when in fact you are just too shy to socialize with other humans.

   I hope you are not as awkward as you are today. I hope you'll be like those other people who can make friends with anyone instantly.

   I know you care too much about how you look, not because you are a really self-centered person but because most people judge you base on your physical appearance and you know that because you used to be one of those judgmental twats, but you changed because it's the right thing to do.

   I hope you now have a really good self-esteem and have already learn how to love yourself for who you are because right now, that's just the hardest thing to do.

   I know you've made a lot of wrong choices in life before and you still can't forgive yourself for doing those crap. But please learn how to forgive yourself cause I am having a hard time to do it.

   You often get rude and disrespectful things in the internet sent by coward people whom like to call themselves "ANONYMOUS". Don't listen to them they are just a big ball of insecurities and we'll talk about them on my next blog post.

   I hope you reached your dreams or life goals as everyone call it these days. Like a million youtube subs. Meet Louis,Katy,Joey,Zoe and many more. And react to a video or anything in finebros and be in a Buzzfeed video cause that would be really cool! And I'm guessing that you already bleached your hair until it's like Jack Frost's hair like you always wanted it to be and also I hope you get a follow from 4/4 cause right now you don't give a fuck about Zayn.

   I hope that you are now the person you always wanted to be. And lastly don't forget to be happy and always remember to smile even if you look like a creepy Russian pedophile when you do it.

-LNC 2015

Be Confident

   Sometimes we feel bad about ourselves ( actually always ). We think we are awful or the whole world is judging us. We often thought that all eyes are on us watching every move we make that might be wrong for them. Which leads us to being conscious and eventually lowers our self-esteem.

   What I'm about to tell you is just a short advice on how to overcome insecurities and self-esteem issues.

   The most common issue in our age is pretty much acne. Well let me tell you! You don't have to worry about it because SLAY! That is totally normal and everyone has it. So the next time you feel bad about your big,red,shining,shimmering,splendid pimple. Just always remember that that there are other people who experience worst things than you do, and that you are lucky. And instead of feeling awful because of them, you might want to feel special because of them, for that's one of the many things that makes you beautiful and unique.

   And lastly, the one and only thing that could make you feel confident and wonderful about yourself is by accepting all of your flaws and imperfections. Embrace it like there's no later and believe me you would definitely feel better and no one can make you feel bad about yourself anymore.

-LanceGeronaga