what is love?

When I was 16, I always tell myself that I'm going to find someone who will complete me. I was influenced by a huge amount of fictional stories I read and they made me believe that the world owes me a great love story too. Now that I'm almost 20 I wonder if is it really possible for someone to complete us? Will someone fill that void that has been slowly eating me for as long as I can remember? or maybe I should just find someone I can half-way tolerate and just stick with them? 

I met a lot of people in the past years and non of them made me feel like what I wanted to feel. What's crazier is that I don't have the slightest idea what I want to feel and what I should feel. Do I have the wrong idea of love or maybe I'm just a person who don't know and will never know what love feels like? 

Whats is love though? 

Is love when someone checks up on you every time if you ate your meal? left for wherever you're supposed to go or when you arrived home safely? Cause I think that's something your parents already do and I'm not talking about that kind of love. Is love supposed to feel like a routine where you have to update the other person on everything you do on a daily basis? Which in my case not that interesting. 

Or is it when you have a genuine connection with someone where you can talk about everything and even sometimes having conflicting ideas you still accept one another and find a common ground just to show how much you love each other? When you help each other grow and become a better versions of yourselves every day. When you find beauty in them even on days they feel like they don't deserved to be looked at. When you fell in love not with just the superficial things but with their soul. 

I have so many questions and I hope one day someone can give me the answers.

Compromise

I started reading books about love when I was 14 and that's when I started to develop this so called fantasy that one day I'll be able to find someone that can make me feel like how those characters did. That made think that the world owes me a wonderful love story as well. I've been looking for my soul mate ever since, but as I grew older I start to think that maybe not all of us will be given a great love story and that we might never be able to find that one girl or boy that will make us feel like we are in a Nicholas Sparks novel. Maybe our ideas will forever just stay as ideas and that the little check list for our perfect pair won't ever be filled, because no real life person will ever be fit and that you push away every boy who gives you the attention you wanted the sooner you realize they're not like the prince charming in your perfect world of fiction. It has been impossible finding a soul that speaks mine, but do I have to compromise the things I look for someone that will surely make me happy just for sliver of hope that by settling with someone can somehow take away some of the loneliness that's been eating me, and that someday might give me the euphoria I've always wanted?

--or never

Last night I dreamed about you again and you were beautiful. It has been eight years since I last felt you close, held your face, got lost in your eyes, traced your smile and tasted your lips. The memories of the past comes back like an old friend that I know too well, but at the same time a stranger of the present. I was suddenly drowned in a sea of questions. Confused, I questioned myself for the nth time. "What went wrong?" and for a moment I cried realizing that I was that "wrong" that went. And my dream was the opposite of wrong, it was perfect, and it was beautiful. Eight long years and I'm still waiting-- hoping that one day even for just a second you'll see me in your dream and remember your love for me way back when. I don't know how long it would take. It'd be eight years? eighteen? eighty? now? or never, but all I know is that you will be always, truly, completely loved by me.

a story about being sore//

I still remember the day we met in December,
When it was cold and every waiting moment felt like forever.
I still remember when I was lost,
And you promised to find me at all cost.
I still remember when we got into your room,
When you undressed me,
Kissed me,
And when you said that your first time was me,
I thought a beautiful love story is starting to bloom.
But when summer came,
The love that I hoped for,
Became the love that never soar,
And my heart was left forever sore.

-lansilog 2017

//post 10/9/16

I saw the universe in you.

You made me feel like a star.

Little did I know.

I was a falling star.

A star that had died a million years ago.

A star that is now falling 71 kmps.

Waiting for someone to believe I could grant their wish.

And there you are.

You wished for something beautiful .

Something the universe never had before.

The star that heard your wish was me.

That dead star.

I'm sorry if I gave you a disappointment.

I wasn't perfect .

I wasn't beautiful .

I'm just me.

Dead.

broken memories

Time will come when I don't have to tremble at the mention of your name.
When I don't have to feel like shit every time I remember your existence.
When I stopped thinking about you every time my mind wanders through the depths of broken memories.
To stop being reminded of you from every little things that we used to do together.
I'm longing for that time when you won't be the person in mind when someone asks about love,
Love I never had.
Because you are a constant reminder of how naive I was.
I wish there will come a time when someone will mend the broken pieces of my soul that once was whole,
A soul you once admired.
Time will come when someone will treat me tons better than you ever did.
Someone who can look at me and never doubt to tell me that I matter and that I am loved.
Someone who thinks I'm perfect as much as I think I am(lol).
Someone who gets excited for me even when I dress like a homeless or just hipster.
Someone who has me as the starring role in that thing inside of most humans chest.
Someone who will stay,
And never leave like you did.

-lance

Oops//

There are moments in life where your whole consciousness just decides to get out of your body, and left you hanging doing stupid decisions. Well not that stupid, but still stupid enough to be called an idiot. Like that moment when a boy kissed you in your room, and not just a normal kiss, it was that kiss that includes tongue which is pretty nasty if you actually think about it, but as soon as you experience it yourself...is still quite nasty. You start acting like you were disgusted, but you actually liked it, and he asked you why you kissed back and you told him you don't know, and then 7 seconds later you realized that you were both guys and what happened was really awkward, and he told you how sorry he was and he told you that he'll never do it again. He lied and kissed you again, but this time it's less awkward than before and you were surprisingly pretty good at it. How did you know that you were good? he said so, and you believed him anyways. You both decided to take a little break and just lay beside each other doing nothing when suddenly your dad surprisingly opened the door and you both panicked, and just jumped and sit and pretend like nothing just happened, and your dad asked if you want something to eat, and you said no. You both laugh, and then he kissed you again. You asked "Why did you kissed me, and what are we?" He told you that he was really attracted to you, and that you were friends. You got confuse, because friends don't do stuff like that. You made him listen to that Ed Sheeran song, and the poor song just got ignored, cause he just kissed you again, and this time you were pushed against the wall, and you almost died because you were unable to breath. It was intense. Days passed and you two talked a lot, and act like you two are together,because he is being sweet and caring and shit like that,and nobody cared about you like that before, nobody made you felt that way before, all of it was new to you, and you think you'll go crazy if you'll keep it on your own. So you told your friend about it, and she asked you "What if you'll fall for him?", so you asked him and he told you that he couldn't promise that he'll be there to catch you, but nothing will change because you will still be friends and he cares about you. A few more days passed and you're starting to feel something, and you told him. He said he's sorry if he couldn't give back the love that you gave to him, but you're not in love yet, he's just assuming things hahaha. But you're feelings are really stupid and you are now 17.6 % in like with him, and that was so stupid of you. You believed in something you thought was a real thing, but guess he was just messing around. You were just too naive. It was not like the movies. Now he stopped talking to you. You can't hate him, you can never hate him. You though this time you will be able to experience love, you thought this could be the fairy tale that you always dreamed about, you thought he was the one you've been waiting for, you thought he could be the harry styles of your life. You thought. You were wrong all along. Did I mentioned that he was your first kiss too? Oops.

(written after all feelings have been destroyed)